


skinny love

by jeongyawn



Series: jihan ;; hanahaki [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki AU, I'm sorry., M/M, joshua and the original character is platonic, this is the longest thing i've written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-06-06 20:32:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6768901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeongyawn/pseuds/jeongyawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he never went to the doctor to get it checked out, too afraid of them forcing him to get the surgery and take away his love. despite all of the horrible feelings that came along with the disease, nothing could compare to how he felt when he looked at jeonghan, laughing with jihoon and seungcheol or when he saw him mothering their poor maknaes. he wouldn’t give that feeling up for anything, he wouldn’t let anyone take it from him, but he knew that’s exactly what the managers and his group demand that he do if they ever caught wind of his problem.<br/>and so he left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I Know a Bank Where the Wild Thyme Blows](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5901418) by [lucitae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucitae/pseuds/lucitae). 



> The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.
> 
> (this is a songfic kind of, inspired by melted by akmu)

_ come on skinny love just last the year, _

_ pour a little salt we were never her _ e

 

joshua heaved, letting more and more of the pale yellow petals he’d grown to loathe fall from his pale lips. he took in a stuttering breath, coughing up a few more pathetic petals. he’d spent an excessive amount of time researching the meaning of his petals. they were from the primrose, a flower which represented eternal love. sure, the love by itself wouldn’t be too horrible, but along with it came the miserable feeling of knowing that his love is unrequited. that’s what the disease was all about, unrequited love. he knew all of that from the internet, though. he never went to the doctor to get it checked out, too afraid of them forcing him to get the surgery and take away his love. despite all of the horrible feelings that came along with the disease, nothing could compare to how he felt when he looked at jeonghan, seeing him laugh with jihoon and seungcheol or when he saw him practically smothering their poor maknaes. he wouldn’t give that feeling up for anything, even if it killed him. he wouldn’t let anyone take it from him, but he knew that’s exactly what the managers and his group would demand that he do if they ever caught wind of his problem.

and so he left. in the dead of the night, without a word or a note, joshua packed two suitcases worth of stuff, a plane ticket held tightly in one of his trembling hands as he looked around the shared living space that had become his home for the last time. his once bright and warm eyes were filled with tears that made their home on his thinning cheeks. a thin hand made its way up to wipe the salty liquid off as he pushed his way out of the dorm, both suitcases lightly hitting the back of his legs as he walked down the darkened road to the airport.

 

_ tell my love to wreck it all, _

_ cut out all the ropes and let me fall. _

 

he didn’t go home, that would have been the first place they would look for him. he did, however, call his mom and dad. He cried as he told them about his choice, listening to the sounds of his mom’s heart breaking. his mom cried for her sweet boy, her sweet, sweet boy slowly dying from the naif flowers that threatened to suffocate him daily. his father yelled out, pleading for his god to save his son and protect him. joshua prayed, too, but not for himself. he prayed for his bandmates, willing for them not to get stuck on joshua’s absence or, in the long run, his untimely passing. he prayed that seungcheol wouldn’t worry about him too much, that jihoon wouldn’t lock himself away, that the maknae’s would continue on their way to the top, that the china line boys and soonyoung would continue to dance with an unyielding passion, that vernon would find someone else to confide his feeling into, even if they couldn’t speak english with him.. he prayed that mingyu and wonwoo would take their heads out of their asses and see each other’s feelings. he prayed especially for jeonghan, hoping that the older wouldn’t forget about him, that he would always remember joshua.

he coughed up another trash bag full of petals after that. 

_ staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer. _

 

he met her in seattle, washington, almost two months after he had first left the dorms. the boys called him for days on days the first couple weeks, until he got fed up with it and got a new phone, the only people getting the number being his parents. he’d only been in contact with anyone from pledis once since he left, and that was to leave a message for the manager before he’d gotten his new phone. he told him to move on, stop postponing and continue with the comeback. and so they did. they released their first full album, won an award for their song, pretty u, and were even going on an american tour sometime in the summer. 

he had walked into the small restaurant in late february, the small building looking like it was straight out of some korean drama. he’d been drawn to it ever since he first laid eyes on it, the hangul catching his eyes in a heartbeat and the voices shouting the familiar language tugging on his heart. he had forgotten how much he had missed the sound of people speaking korean. as he sat and waited for his order, joshua pulled out his phone and began scrolling through his new means of social media, tumblr. he’d originally gotten the app just to keep up with the boys while he wasn’t there, but it soon became addicting to him, just like every other social media. as he scrolled through picture after picture of his old friends, he could feel that small tickle in his throat after every picture of jeonghan. he looked  _ really _ good with his shorter hair. as the tickle got stronger, joshua couldn’t hold it in any longer as he abruptly stood up in an attempt to rush towards the bathroom, only to come to a stop as he slammed into a much smaller girl, one of the waitresses, knocking over the large tray she had been balancing on two small hands. 

as soon as joshua opened his mouth to apologize, the petals began tumbling out bringing him facing the ground as he heaved and heaved and heaved more of the azure petals. the girl was shell-shocked for all of three seconds before she sprung into action. one hand found its place on his chest and the other on his back as she pushed them together. joshua could almost immediately feel his airways open up as he hacked up the last petals. 

joshua opened his teary eyes to look into warm, amber eyes as the girl smiled at him and helped him up.

“hanbi, please clean this up while i take him upstairs.” she called to another girl who nodded dutifully and began grabbing the cleaning supplies.

“ne, unnie!” the girl cheerfully called back, giving joshua a reassuring smile. joshua managed a weak grimace back, following the short girl to the back and then up a flight of stairs which led to an average looking door. she pushed it open after unlocking it, gesturing for joshua to enter the room. he followed her into the kitchen, watching silently as she fumbled around for a pot to fill up with water and then put on the stove.

“warm tea will help with your throat. i hope you aren’t allergic.” she spoke kindly, glancing over at joshua who shook his head, “great! please, have a seat.” he sat down quickly, thanking her for her generosity, which she just waved off, “i’m hasun, by the way. and you are?”

“i’m jisoo. or joshua. whichever you prefer.” he spoke quietly, “i’m sorry about the mess.”

“don't even worry about it, love. it happens to the best of us.” hasun waved him off quickly, pouring the water into the cup and letting the tea steep as she handed him the mug. 

“thank you, hasun-ssi.” he quietly thanked as he held the cute mug in both hands. 

“none of that. just call me noona.” she winked, pouring another glass of milk and sitting across from him. 

“are you even older than me?” joshua wondered, sipping on the tea as he watched her. 

“i don't know, am i? i’m a ninety-seven liner.” she told him with a smile.  

“guess you'll be calling me oppa. i’m a ninety-five liner.” joshua told her teasingly. 

hasun laughed heartily as she looked back at him with a smirk, “jisoo-oppa, you're so old!” she teased back with a giggle. joshua laughed along with her, finishing his tea and setting the mug down. 

“hasun-ah?” hasun hummed in response as she moved her warm eyes to meet his, “how do you… know so much about my condition?”

he asked tentatively. hasun’s smile turned wistful and sentimental as her hand unconsciously came to rub her chest. 

“hanahaki isn't that uncommon, jisoo-oppa.” she speaks quietly, pulling the shoulder of her shirt down to reveal part of a scar that stretched from the to of her shoulder and down past her shirt. 

“you… did… did it hurt?”

“no, they put me under anesthesia so i didn't feel anything.”

“i didn't mean like the surgery. i meant after it.” joshua quietly corrected himself, watching her carefully. 

“it wasn't as bad as people say, no. i just felt like... it was like my heart was empty.” 

 

_ 'cause now I'm breaking at the britches, _

_ and at the end of all your lines _

 

he ended up staying with hasun at her apartment instead of a hotel for three more weeks until they decided to leave. joshua wasn't going to get the surgery still and hasun wouldn't make him get it, no matter what. that being said, hasun didn't want the poor boy to be stuck in her apartment until his dying days and she also didn't want him to be alone. so she put in a leave of absence at work, which her boss (aka her mom) immediately approved. they bought plane tickets to new york and set off the next week, hasun’s mom and her younger coworker hanbi sending them off with watery smiles and promises of skype calls. the two settled in on their plane ride, excitedly looking through some cheesy tourist book they had collected before they left, circling everything that the two of them wanted to visit or do. 

they had only been in new york for almost three months before all of the happiness that they had built up over the disease came crashing down. 

it was their average day, both hasun and joshua playing tag at the park like children. joshua had been feeling much better this past week or so than he had in months. as he chased hasun through the park, their game came to a halt as she slammed her small body into another, larger body. she fell onto the ground with a cry of surprise. at the sound, joshua immediately ran over, his thin hands wrapping around her equally thin arms as he helped her up and checked her over for any injuries. hasun giggled, waving him off as she told him she was fine. 

“joshua?” a shell shocked voice spoke from in front of them. joshua looked up, his grin fading as he took in the sight of his old leader in front of him. seungcheol looked exactly like he had the day joshua left, albeit a little more tired looking. beside seungcheol stepped up jihoon, who stared at him, wide-eyed. hasun glanced uneasily between joshua and the boys, the other nine boys crowding behind the two as they caught sight of him. 

“seungcheol-hyung, jihoon-ah...” joshua quietly spoke, almost dazed and breathily. seeing the look on his face and the panic in his eyes, hasun stepped forward, almost on instinct, as if she was protecting joshua from the group of near-strangers that she'd only seen a few times when joshua would show her pictures of them. jihoon’s cold eyes immediately moved to her petite form while seungcheol took to glancing between the two of them.

joshua was stunned into silence until jihoon spoke up, “not going to introduce us to your  _ friend _ , hyung?” he didn't take his eyes off of the girl, who stared right back with a frown on her usually smiling face. joshua startled as he looked at hasun as she turned her eyes back to him, worriedly. 

“this is hasun.” he spoke quietly, taking a shaky breath and placing a trembling hand on her shoulder. 

hasun smiled tentatively, bowing slightly at the boys, “it's nice to meet you all, jisoo-oppa’s told me a lot about you guys.” she told them, her soft voice making the others tear their eyes away from joshua to look at her in surprise as they heard their native language come from her mouth. 

“it's nice to meet you too,” seungcheol replied, bowing back to the girl before he turned back to joshua, “where… where have you been, joshua?” joshua almost froze again until hasun placed a ghost like hand in his upper arm, reminding him silently to take a breath. 

“i was in seattle for a little while. about three months, i think, and then i was here.” he weakly gestured to their surroundings as he smiled shakily. 

“with your girlfriend?” vernon spoke up, his once warm and friendly eyes staring at joshua with an indignant look. 

“no. hasun isn't my girlfriend, we met in seattle. she let me stay with her while i was up there until we decided to take a vacation here.”

“as if this whole thing wasn't a vacation,  _ hyung _ ?” he continued, venomously glaring at hasun, who had long lost her smile. 

“hansol, that's enough.” seungcheol quietly spoke up. 

“no, it's not. do you have any idea how long we looked for you? how exhausted and worried we were? and then manager-nim,  _ of all people _ , gets a call from you, telling us to just  _ move on _ ? as if that was possible for us to do? you were our brother! did you even stop to think about how selfish you were bei-,” hasun stepped up again, poisonous glare matching vernon’s with five times the anger. 

“ _ ya!  _ who the hell do you think you are, huh? you have no right to tell jisoo-oppa what he should have done or not done and you definitely have no right to try and guilt trip him into feeling bad for you! did you ever stop to think that maybe,  _ just maybe,  _ he had a reason for leaving?”

“oh yeah? then what was it? please, hyung, tell me all about this  _ life-changing  _ reason you had for _ just up and leaving us _ !” vernon all but shouted at him. jisoo launched forward as he saw hasun clench her fists, placing both hands on her shoulders,seeing another person do the same for vernon from the corner of his eyes. as he looked up at vernon, he felt the tickle returning his throat, the petals violently trying to force their way out. he forced his eyes forward to look at the cause of his disease, yoon jeonghan. he was a beautiful as ever, even more beautiful that he was in the pictures. joshua could feel the petals rushing up his throat, quick to make themselves known. first he coughed, one lonely petal coming out. then it was two, then three, then four, and then it wasn’t stopping. 

hasun placed her hands on his chest at the first sight of a petal. as he coughed and coughed, she murmured sweet words of reassurance to him as she pressed on his heaving chest. seungcheol had moved forward but stopped dead at the vicious glare given to him by the frantic girl. vernon himself was frozen as he watched his hyung heave up piles of flower petals in the middle of the park. people slowed to watched but continued moving as soon as they saw the cause, giving joshua, who they had come to recognize from the past couple of weeks, pitying looks. the other boys could only watch in shock and fear as they watched their friend vomit the flowers from his mouth. 

as the petals didn't stop, hasun could feel herself panic, pressing harder on his chest to no avail. they kept coming in bursts. tears began falling from her eyes as she pressed harder. as he saw her tears, seungcheol startled out of his shocked stupor, yelling loudly to the boys. 

“someone call an ambulance!” he yelled, turning to the others. 

“no,” hasun immediately yelled back, “you can't, he doesn't want it, he doesn't want the surgery.” she cried out as she held his chest, his breathing finally starting to get better and the flow of petals lessening until they finally stopped. joshua took in deep, shuddering breaths wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. hasun let out her shaky breath in relief. it had never been that long or that bad before. he was getting worse. she smiled through her tears as joshua looked at her. he weakly raised his arm which she immediately threw herself into, holding him close as he took his turn in whispering reassurances to the tearful girl in his arms. 

vernon and the boys continued to watch with concerned eyes, not saying a word until jihoon has enough of the silence, “you have hanahaki disease.” he stated more than he asked as he brought their attention back. hasun glared through her tears and tightened her arms around joshua as they looked at the group of boys. joshua smiled down at her fondly, reaching his hand up to ruffle her hair. 

“maybe this isn't the best place to discuss it.” joshua pointed out, lifting hasun up delicately as the girl plastered herself to his side. 

 

_ and now all your love is wasted, _

_ then who the hell was i? _

 

joshua found himself at hasun and his current hotel room, all of the boys spread across the room as he and hasun sat on her bed. they all looked around uncomfortably, avoiding looking at joshua and hasun who talked quietly on the bed as he sipped on a mug of warm tea that hasun had insisted on making the second they got back. jihoon, once again fed up with the awkward silence in the crowded room, took his chance to speak up. 

“how long have you had it?” he asked, looking at joshua expectantly. 

“since about two weeks before i left.” he answered immediately. 

“why did you get rid of it? why didn't you get the surgery?” this time it was chan, the innocent maknae looking at him with wide eyes. 

“i couldn't lose my feelings.”

“nothing is worth that kind of pain, joshua.” jihoon cut in. 

“because you would know?” hasun shot back, surprising jihoon by her vehement response. jihoon glared back at her. 

“oh and what, you would?” he spat back just as angrily. 

immediately looking at the miserable look on hasun’s face, joshua stepped in, “that's enough,” he spoke, small hand wrapping around her wrist in what he knew would comfort her. the thought of her lost love always made her absolutely miserable. jihoon stepped back, eyes looking at him like he had been betrayed. 

the boys could all tell by now that joshua and hasun both were close. maybe even closer than the boys and him had been. it was in the way that both of them stood, looking ready to jump in front of each other at the first sight of a problem or danger. it was in the way that all they needed was a simple touch and they calmed down. it was in the way that the two of them spoke with their eyes rather than words. they weren't just friends, it was more like soulmates. completely platonic, of course, given by the flowers that would pour from joshua’s mouth every so often. each time that they did, though, hasun was right next to him, pressing his chest and holding his hand through the aftermath. they could tell that the two of them were good for each other and that she was what joshua needed, and right now, that's all that they could ask for.  

 

_ suckle on the hope in light brassieres _

 

it had only taken a month after that for everything to fall apart once more. 

joshua had refused to come back to the band now that they were all aware of his condition, claiming that he didn't want to overwork himself. hasun knew it was because he couldn't handle being around jeonghan. he had, however, given the boys his new number after they begged him for it. hasun supposed that it happened because he was now in close contact with jeonghan. 

she had woken up around three in the morning to the sound of him retching. she rushed into the dimly lit bathroom as soon as she realized what she was hearing, dropping to her knees next to him and doing her usual chest pressing. it wasn't until almost forty minutes had gone by that she realized that this was different. as his breathing leveled slightly, but not completely, joshua pulled away to face her with tired eyes, small droplets of blood. she laughed bitterly, rubbing it away with a towel. 

“we need to take you to the hospital, oppa.” she quietly told him. his only response was a nod. they had talked about this. when it was too far along, they would take him to the hospital so he would be monitored and taken care of. at least now they couldn't give him the surgery, because the roots of the plant were too far imbedded into his chest,

clenching at his heart. 

the ride to the hospital was quiet and the check in was even quieter. as soon as joshua was given a room he requested that hasun stay with him, the staff pulling in an extra cot.

“should i call them?” she asked, curiously, pulling out her phone. joshua shook his head, making her put her phone away immediately. 

“tomorrow. i’m tired right now.” he told her, rolling over in his side to face away from her cot. she smiled sadly, turning the opposite way and closing her eyes. 

 

_ and in the morning I'll be with you, _

_ but it will be a different kind _

 

he didn't make it through the night. hasun was woken by the loud beeping of his heart monitor and the nurses and doctors shoving her out into the hallway where she stood, tears rolling down her numb face as she silently pulled out her phone and called the leader of his old band. 

“seungcheol-ssi,” she choked out into the phone as he answered. that was all she needed to say. 

“where are you?” as she relayed the name of the hospital, seungcheol rushed around to get the older members into a van and to the hospital. they met her out in the hall, the small girl’s tremors wracking through her small body. 

jeonghan immediately burst into tears at the sight of her, crying on the floor in front of his room. 

 

_ come on skinny love, what happened here? _

 

the funeral was smaller, his family and friends from home, his band mates and other pledis workers came, and hanbi and hasun’s mom had come, too, both mourning the loss of their new friend and almost-child. joshua’s parents introduced themselves tearfully to hasun, whom they had only heard of from their phone calls with their son. they invited her to sit up front with them and the boys from the band, which she accepted with tears swimming in her eyes. 

it was over as quickly as it started, and the seventeen boys and hasun were left staring at the newly placed headstone where joshua now lay. 

_ joshua hong  _

_ december 30th, 1995 - november 19th, _

_ in loving memory of the boy who died for love.  _

_ \-- _

_ i leave the darkness that finds my heart _


	2. evaporating

check out the new story in the series, evaporating! it's small drabbles to go along with this.


	3. update!!

i rewrote/ fixed this! please reread the new changes!

**Author's Note:**

> okay so:  
> 1\. this starts a month or so before svt's new album was released. so roughly like beginning of march, late february.  
> 2\. sorry about the original character, i felt like joshua need someone to be there for him but i also didn't want to include another kpop idol or smth.  
> 3\. i really like this whole hanahaki disease thing, tbh. i really just love it. sorry.


End file.
